The Burglar Diaries by Danny King

Author:Danny King
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: burglar, thief, caper, comedy crime, bandit, housebreaker, police, safecracker, robbery, crooks
Publisher: Danny King
Published: 2020-11-17T00:00:00+00:00

18. Clever Plans – Number 4

GERRY IS PROBABLY the cleverest burglar I've ever met. Where I treat housebreaking as just a job, a way to earn money, he treats it as a career. He sits down and studies new techniques, new methods of entry, market prices and so on so that he can become a better burglar. He takes time out to talk to others in the trade, he learns from them, passes on knowledge, improves his game. And he’s got ambition, he ain’t just satisfied with nicking the junk I thieve no more, he goes for bigger and better jobs; shops, warehouses, offices.

He’s the sort of bloke who, if he had a big job coming up, he’d probably get little model buildings and cars and things and have inch high figures in little black masks shinning up tiny plastic drain pipes as preparation.

Basically, if there was a qualification in burglary, he could pass it no problem. Me, I’d probably just break into the classroom and steal the exam papers, which I imagine would count as a pass as well.

One thing Gerry always wanted to be able to do was crack alarms. Actually, I wouldn’t mind that either – be smart wouldn’t it, like on the telly. Have a load of expensive drills and a laptop computer and grappling hooks and stuff. Yeah, I could do with some of that. I could see myself all blacked up, dodging laser beams, looping videotape and reprogramming access codes to break into the Queen’s palace and run off with her video recorder.

Then, who could be arsed with all of that?

Gerry, that’s who. Even though I can’t be bothered myself, I can still admire someone who has the gumption to get up off his arse and be all he can be in his chosen field.

So what Gerry did was, he set out to find out everything there was to know about alarms. He rented a house in Dane Lane and got estimates from a dozen different alarm companies. When he’d read all the brochures he was sent, he phoned them all up and one by one got them to come around and fit their alarm systems. He had the lot, window alarms, pressure pads, heat sensors, those bright front garden lights that come on when you walk past them, whatever they’re called, the lot.

And as the chap was fitting the system, there would be Gerry, asking all sorts of questions.

“What sort of range has that got? Where’s the emergency override button? What if the burglar hits it with a hammer, about here?” That sort of thing.

Then, next day, he’d rip the whole lot out and get the next lot around. Six days and five alarms later he packed his bags and went home. When the alarm people and the landlord called around to ask why their cheques had bounced, he was gone. So was the beard he’d grown and the dye he’d used in his hair.

Fuck hey, disguises, plans, pseudonyms – that's what it’s all about.

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